Dan's Horoscopes for November

Sometimes you just have to take an odd chance. So each month I will provide for you, a horoscope reading, selected randomly from a book in my collection. How do you like them apples? This month's insights into your life will be coming from Bram Stoker's Dracula. My helpful interpretations will be in [brackets]

Aries -
Last night I went to bed when the men had gone, simply because they told me to.
[It seems it would be in your best interest to do this month, what men(and boys!) tell you to do, especially in regards to when you should get in bed... nudge nudge] [and of course if those men(or boys!) are like the one's I know, i'd say visit here - www.trojancondoms.com - Before taking their advice]

Taurus -
My news to-day is not so good. There is, however, one good thing which has arisen from it.
[looks like it's going to be a crappy crappy month for you my dear Taurus'. perhaps for the optimistic among you there is a gold lining, you best chance might be to seek it out. Pessimists and realists, well, just be yourselves.]

Gemini -
Hush! There is someone in the corridor!
[A great month to take a self defense class! Or brush up on your ninja skills. http://www.freewebs.com/urbanninja/ninjaskills.htm]

Cancer -
You will need, after your journey, to refresh yourself by making your toilet.
[Most of you don't have the experience working with porcelain, so this month you maybe have to get a bit creative with where you squat, wooded areas are nice because clean-up is a snap. If you find yourself needing to make a toilet indoors, I suggest recycling things you already have at hand which possess toilet-like properties. How about mom's pasta dishes? Or consider fertilizing an existing house plant.]

Leo -
My heart sank when I saw what had happened. They all four lay helpless on the floor, breathing heavily.
[I can't tell you how they got there, I can't tell you what all the heavy breathing is about. This month, clean your floors.]

Virgo -
Oh no! Far be it from me to arrogate to myself the attributes of the Deity. I am not even concerned in His especially spiritual doings. If I may state my intellectual position I am, so far as concerns things purely terrestrial, somewhat in the position which Enoch occupied spiritually! This was a poser to me. I could not at the moment recall Enoch's appositeness; so I had to ask a simple question, though I felt that by so doing I was lowering myself in the eyes of the lunatic.
[.... WTF Virgo's, you are on your own with that one.]

Libra -
Oh, about number Three-I needn't tell you of number Three, need I?
[Needless to say, number three will be far easier to bury than numbers one and two were.]

Scorpio -
The little children can be bitten. Are you of belief now, friend John?
[Just because John thinks you can't do it, it doesn't mean you'll be a better person for taking him up on the dare.]

Sagittarius -
I found Miss Westenra in seemingly gay spirits.
[If you aren't positive, it's easiest to look for an adam's apple. Now if it doesn't bother you either way, have a fun time with Miss Westenra]

Capricorn -
And so now, up to this very hour, all the records we have are complete and in order.
[Well Capricorn, aren't you just a smug bastard. Got everything done early and now you have to rub that in everyone's face. Chances are you'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes.]

Aquarius -
It was then time to start.
[So get Crackin!]

Pisces -
As idle as a painted ship upon a painted ocean.
[The reading is not clear if this is a good or bad thing. Just to be on the safe side take a nice long walk.]